You stole two hours of my life!

You stole two hours of my life!

In the interest of full disclosure, I watched Thief with my family on Yom Kippur, so I may not have been in the most ideal movie-watching condition.

Thief is pretty much exactly what I’m beginning to expect from a Michael Mann movie: a fun main character/actor, an interesting and seamy subject turned into something rather boring, a runtime about 45 minutes too long, and me being left with no desire to see any more Michael Mann movies.  Even thinking about the movie bores me.  A good bellwether proved to be the film’s opening scene, which may be the longest and most boring heist scene ever filmed.

I suppose the movie has a plot, technically, but Michael Mann clearly doesn’t care about such things.  “Don’t worry your pretty little head about the story,” he says.  “Look at all my style.”  Emphasis his, since I’m sure Michael Mann speaks in italics.  James Caan stars as a no-nonsense safecracker who gets hired for a big job, one he intends to be his last before going straight.  And that’s about it.  Along the way, he picks up a waitress (Tuesday Weld) and I guess they love each other or something, but Mann doesn’t bother with developing their story any more than he grabs her, pushes her around some, reveals his sensitive side, and then they move in together.  To be fair, at the very end of the movie there’s a little action, but by then, any sane person has fallen asleep or turned the movie off.

On paper, the movie sounds like a great idea.  James Caan is obviously a badass, so he totally works as an ex-con master thief.  Tuesday Weld is incredibly beautiful (see: The Cincinnati Kid or Dobie Gillis.  Also, her name is Tuesday.  That’s ridiculous.).  Dennis Farina (in his first role, according to imdb) and Robert Prosky as baddies.  And, best of all, Willie Nelson as Caan’s best friend, who is still in the joint.   You know, maybe James Belushi should have tipped me off.  But my word does the movie manage to be dull.  Except for a few seemingly random instances where something major happens with little warning and little recognition afterward.  Really, there’s no good reason to watch this movie.  Unless, like my family, you need a nap.

One Star (7.2 imdb, MRQE, 100% RT)

Trailer after the jump: