Brian and I were going to liveblog the MTV Movie Awards, but we got back a little late from a murder mystery party.  Yes, we are that cool.  So instead, here’s our thoughts in a running diary:

Opening Sequence: Jason Sudeikis (our host) loses Taylor Lautner in a Hangover-esque scene that involves Chelsea Handler, Justin Bartha, Eve Mendes, and scenes from 127 HoursThe Social Network and Black Swan

Brian: Not really sure anyone was asking for a Hangover 2 spoof, but there you go . And is Chelsea Handler really a well known enough figure among the teen set? And is it really appropriate to have budweiser, drinking to the point of black out, and graphic lesbian sex scenes between Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman? (uh yes on the last part)

Jared: Not a great start to the show, as we learn yet again that making cultural references is not quite the same as using those references to make actual jokes.  It was a cheap laugh, but I did chuckle at Jason Sudeikis’s reactions to the Natalie Portman/Mila Kunis scene.

Opening Monologue:

Brian: Soapbox: I like how you can make fun of getting drunk, and grope each other in public but cant say assholes. I hate America.  Emma Stone — purtiest girl at the ball. And she sells Sudekis’ Canadian joke too.  Cant believe hes made two Schwarzenegger jokes in his monologue — didn’t realize people really cared about that. Judging from the reaction, they don’t.  THREE TIMES? I dont understand it! FOUR TIMES? Come on — what is he, Jay Leno?  John’s secret girlfriend, Amanda Bynes, pops up in the audience.

Jared: We get our a first shot of Emma Watson, eliciting a very vocal “Oooh” from my faithful co-blogger.  You know you only got your twentieth choice for host when you host spends the first few minutes of his monologue explaining who he is.  We get a joke about how MTV used to play music.  Huh.  What an original observation!  Makes up for a little by asking for the Twilight fans, getting a cheer, and then asking where his King’s Speech fans where, and a cut to a shot of a bunch of elderly people going crazy.  Brian claims to not be aware of who Selena Gomez is, he’s definitely hiding something, as Sudeikis makes some crack about her swallowing some of Bieber’s baby teeth.  To clarify Brian’s point above, Sudeikis joked that Emma Stone starred in a Canadian porno: Easy A (say it out loud).  Which was funny, but funnier was Stone’s stony-faced reaction shot.  And yes, the first Schwarzenegger joke bombed, so let’s go back to the well for four more?  Oh, and for your best reaction shot of the night: Gary Busey.

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis present Best Male Performance, which goes to Robert Pattinson

Jared: The pre-nominees shtick was Justin Timberlake grabbing Kunis’s boobs, and then her grabbing his junk.  You have a blessed life, Timberlake.  I wanted Eisenberg to win, expected Radcliff to.  Also, Zac Efron pulled a nomination for Charlie St. Cloud, which absolutely no one remembers.

Brian: Mila Kunis — my secret girlfriend. So go to hell Justin Timberlake.  Who I want to win: Jesse Eisenberg. Who will win? Lautner. In the reaction shots, I dont think I’ve ever seen Kristen Stewart not squirm/slouch — she’s really odd looking.

J.J. Abrams, Spielberg, Elle Fanning, Joel Courtney present an exclusive premiere of Super 8.  

Brian: ZOMG SNEAK PEAK OF SUPER 8 — SO FUCKING EXCITED FOR THIS MOVIE. Though that preview did not make more excited.

Jared: Yeah, at this point, I don’t think any additional trailers are going to build excitement for the film if they don’t want to reveal anything else.

Steve Carell, Emma Stone, and Ryan Gosling present best villain, which goes to Tom Felton

Brian: I may/may not be avoiding Twitter so I am not spoiled by the upcoming awards. I may be a little weird.  Ryan Gosling looks like such a douchebag here — and Steve Carell is still very funny.  Should win: Tom Felton, will win: Leighton Meester. Hey how about that — Felton wins. Has he had any career outside of the Potter films? It’s weird seeing him not pale and albino hair’d. He had some weird scruff above his lip though, not sure that was intentional.

Jared: The shtick is a standard joke, says a lot about Carell that he is able to sell it so well, even if he looked like he had no desire to be there.  I wanted Ned Beatty to win (what?  that bear was evil!), figured Tom Felton would win.

Jim Carrey, in a really cool FX suit that displays pictures, including one dog humping another, presents Foo Fighters.  We fast forwarded.

Chris Evans comes out to tell people to vote for best movie.

Brian: Baja Men Who let the dogs out? really? Thats more dated than a Schwarzenegger joke.  If Twilight wins, thats awful and America should be ashamed of itself.

Danny McBride, Aziz Ansari and Nick Swardson present Jaw dropping moment which goes to Justin Bieber

Brian: So 30 Minutes or Less gets a call out and we’re stuck with McBride and Swardson. I’m beginning to lose my faith in that movie.  Should win: Natalie Portman Will win: The Bieber. And of course the Bieb won, but what could a possible jaw-dropping moment be? God, two earrings with a matching suit? God he’s such a fucking tool. Where do you see Bieber in 5 years?

Jared: It is almost like Danny McBride is never funny ever!  I thought the cafe scene in Inception would win, figured Bieber would.  He comes out, which is apparently a surprise.  For the US Weekly crowd, he didn’t thank Selena, nor was the awards show director kind enough to cut to a shot of her.  Oh, and I think Bieber has washed out in five years, Brian thinks he is going strong.

Sudeikis interviews the boulder from 127 Hours then Shia LaBoeuf, Rosia Huntingond, Josh Duhamel, and Patrick Dempsey present best fight, which goes to Twilight

Brian: Well that Bob the Boulder bit cratered pretty bad — see what I did there?  Patrick Dempsey just came in off the set of “Cool Dads — come on kids, I’m kids look at my jacket!”  Should win: Inception hotel fight. Will win: Inception. This shouldnt even be close. Oh for fuck’s sake, Twilight? “I ripped your head off and now you’re pregnant” is the leading comment of the night. This is what you’ve done to me, America’s youth.

Jared: That boulder was painfully unfunny.  I wanted the Inception fight to win, because it was super cool, but of course Twilight was going to win.  After you watch a few of these, you realize how much sway that franchise has here.  Also, Pattinson is apparently funny?

Sudeikis brings out a piano plays a lot of “rejected theme songs” to Green Hornet, No Strings Attached, Just Go With It, The Karate Kid, Buried, Jackass 3D

Brian: Jason Sudekis song bit again flopping terribly. Not even Emma Stone could save it. Putting her hair back to the fake color was a good line though.

Jared: Felt like an SNL opening monologue or something.  It isn’t funny to say Green Hornet has a skinny Seth Rogen and some Asian dude.  That’s just a fact.  The No Strings Attached is a duet to the tune of Don’t Go Breaking My Hornet where he makes Emma Stone sing about peeing.  I wouldn’t do that to you Emma, just saying.  Sudeikis does get off a funny line when Dave Grohl comes out to bang a gong (“Who knew he could play percussion?”) and Brooklyn Decker appears to have a sense of humor about herself as Sudeikis talks about her breasts multiple times.  A ton of Emma Watson reaction shots.

Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively present Best Kiss, which goes to Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson

Brian: You can make boner jokes and masturbation innuendo, but you cant say asshole. Should win: Black Swan. Will win: Black Swan — oh whoops. I thought the Twilight categories would split the vote. Eww, Kristen Stewart is really thin. Well played Robert Pattinson, I kind of like that this sort of stunt is passe by now.

Jared: The shtick is a not funny joke involving the Jackass 3D folks and green laser boners.  Black Swan should win, I figured maybe Twilight would split the vote, but nope, this is an R-Patz year.  In a funny move, Pattinson tells Stewart to wait, he knows who the right people kissing should be, and runs out in crowd, ostensibly to get Lautner on stage, but then kisses him.  Well played.

Emma Watson exclusive sneak peak of the Harry Potter movie.

Brian: I still think I have a chance to hit gold on my prediction last year on its Oscar prospects. She’s adorable.  Nicki Minaj may win the award for the worst reaction shot so far by looking bored as hell and wondering where are the black people are on this stage.
Jared: I don’t watch the Harry Potters, so it is always weird to me to hear Emma Watson’s voice.  British accents pretty sexy.  Nicki Minaj had a classic reaction shot of not caring.  Don’t worry, Nicki!  MTV will remember that black people exist a little bit later on!  Whoops, shoulda prefaced that with a spoiler alert.

Patrick Dempsey, Robert Pattinson and Chelsea Handler present Generation award to Reese Witherspoon.  

Brian: Robert Pattinson totally got one by the censors with that off-color joke. I have newfound respect for him after that monologue. Chelsea Handler is again out there — though I’m not sure why. Apparently they are friends. She says that she mistook Zac Efron for Emma Watson. Not sure who that’s more offensive to.  I love me my montages — but this Reese Witherspoon montage needs a lot more Pleasantville and a lot less Sweet Home Alabama. Reese shows that she’s clearly underrated and underutilized in Hollywood today. It’s too bad that her strong performance got stuck in the general badness that was How Do You Know.

Jared: Dempsey starts out by listing Witherspoon’s big movies.  Lot of cheers for Sweet Home Alabama, nobody saw Election, apparently.  Yours truly is guilty of that, though it is high on my queue.  Robert Pattinson looks confused and brings out his notes.  Handler tells him there’s a teleprompter, he says, “Mine says ad lib on it.”  Cut to teleprompter, which does.  His speech was rambling and amazing.  I think he secretly be a comedic genius.  Chelsea Handler knows there’s no way she can follow it up.  The montage doesn’t shy away from Four Christmases or Legally Blonde 2, though sadly, I’m not sure The Importance of Being Earnest got on there.  Witherspoon’s speech is classy and funny, finishing the joke that Pattinson couldn’t get out.

Jason Segel, Cameron Diaz present best line from a movie which goes to the little kid from Grownups (“I want to get chocolate wasted.”

Brian: Jason Sudekis still looks like he’s at David Greenbaum’s bar mitzvah. Should win: invented Facebook. Will win: Inception — dream a little bitter. Grownups is an award winning movie! BOOM! ROASTED! Ok, so this girl’s acceptance speech is brilliant.

Jared: Man, remember when Jason Segel was in Freaks and Geeks?  And now he gets to co-star with Cameron Diaz.  Crazy.  I agree with Brian about what should win, I think I said anything but the Grownups one will win.  And holy cow, that little girl is so professional, it is scary.  I think at her age I couldn’t have strong four words together coherently.  (I’m up to an even dozen now, on my good days.)

Teen Wolf cast present scared as sh*t performance to Ellen Page.  No nominees announced or anything.

Ashton Kutcher and Nicki Minaj present Best Female Performance which goes to Kristen Stewart.

Brian: Should win: Emma Stone. Will win: Natalie Portman. This is on the belief that Twi-hards actually hate Kristen Stewart. Doh. She seriously looks like she’s permanently on smack. Do you think the Emmas actually care about not winning this award?

Jared: Emma Stone should win, and Kristen Stewart will win, of course.  She’s been down this road so many times before, I think after the Twilight series she’ll still be coming up here out of habit.

Selena Gomez, Leighton Meester, Katie Cassidy present Lupe Fiasco and Trey Songz.

Jared: And MTV remembers black people exists!  Presented by the whitest chicks in the crowd!  I’m trying to figure out a way to avoid seeing Monte Carlo.

Jason Bateman, Charlie Day, and Jason Sudeikis present Best Comedic performance, which goes to Emma Stone

Brian: Should win: Emma Stone. Will win: Russell Brand. YAYYYY. Finally some justice in these awards, and shes just so darn lovable. AND YOU KNOW WHO ISNT LOVABLE? Kristen Stewart.

Jared: The other Horrible Bosses guys do a good job making fun of Sudekis.  Emma Stone should win, Ashton Kutcher will win.  I was really annoyed to see Zach Galifiankis get a nom for Due Date, there was nothing funny about that movie.  But yay for Emma Stone!  Just remember that she’s mine, America.  At the end of her speech, she tugged her ear, which I’m guessing is a reference to Carol Burnett, who famously did so at the end of her shows to tell her grandma she loved her.  Man, Emma Stone, you are too awesome.

Kristen Stewart, R-Pats, Lautner present a clip from Breaking Dawn

Gary Busey presents best movie.  In a hamster ball.  To Twilight.

Brian: Gary Busey is so friggin weird. Every awards show needs him. Should win: The Social Network. Will win: Uh, Twilight, duh.

Jared: Any time you get a chance to put Gary Busey in a hamster ball, you have to do it.  Golden rule of broadcasting.  My picks are same as Brian’s.
Thanks for playing along at home.  Was fun.  See you next year!
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